


Love Was Born to an Early Death (Sweet, We Should be In Heaven)

by PuppiesRainbowsSadism



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, Intimacy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2018-02-25 10:33:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2618633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PuppiesRainbowsSadism/pseuds/PuppiesRainbowsSadism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam's last night on Earth, a day away from jumping into the Cage with Lucifer in tow, and Castiel just can't let go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Was Born to an Early Death (Sweet, We Should be In Heaven)

**Author's Note:**

> This was a hell of a lot longer than it was meant to be. And I couldn't decide on one title. So everything about this was unintended, except for the actual writing part. This was a prompt for an anon who wanted Sastiel exploring each other's bodies.
> 
> Title(s) from Elizabeth Elanor Siddal's poem "Dead Love"

This was it. This was really and truly it. Cas never thought he would love anyone as strongly as he loved Sam, but now it was hitting him full-force, all the good and bad he had ever done for this wonderful, selfless human, and Castiel was struggling not to cry.

"It’s okay, angel," Sam assured, his thumb running across Cas’s trembling lip. "It’ll be okay, I promise."

Castiel shook his head, never once tearing his eyes from Sam’s. Even after everything, even now, right before the end, Sam was trying to be strong, putting someone else before himself. “Don’t. Don’t promise me something that you can’t guarantee. Don’t lie to yourself like that.”

Sam’s smile was thin. “I have to.” His voice cracked. “I have to believe that this will work and — and that you’ll be okay. You’ll move on and live a good life. Even if it’s just a human one.”

"No," Castiel denied immediately. "I won’t. Not in this lifetime or a million lifetimes after. I don’t know if I can live with myself knowing … "  _knowing you’re in Hell, knowing you’re suffering, know you’re Lucifer’s plaything and there’s nothing I can do about it._ “I’ll find a way to get you out, or die trying.”

Sam began to tear up himself. Cas thought it would be a relief to see Sam break down, because seeing him put on a brave face was so painful. But this was somehow worse. Sam deserved none of this, nothing, and Castiel felt like shit for the part he played.

"Just," Sam started, his voice small. It was amazing how young and innocent he looked. It only made everything worse. "Just give me a night to remember. Something to hold onto while I’m down there."

Castiel sighed but pulled Sam in gently for a kiss. He was oh so careful with his human, as if he were already broken, as if a gust of wind would blow him down. Sam was the most fragile thing Castiel had ever handled.

Sam sucked Cas’s lip between his own, his hands removing the trenchcoat and blazer from his shoulders at once.

"Are you sure?" Cas asked, and Sam’s movements became desperate.

"Please, Cas. One more time. I need it. I need you."

"You have me," he breathed, and no more was spoken between them. Castiel divested Sam of his clothing slowly, gently, before spreading him out on the bed.

He might only have a human memory now, but he would never forget this. He wouldn’t let himself. Even if he forgot everyone and everything else in his life — even if he couldn’t remember his own name — he would always remember Sam in this moment.

Castiel let himself look, committing Sam to memory, carving this sight into his heart. His fingertips touched every inch of skin before him, from the tears leaking from the corners of Sam’s eyes to the knobs of his ankles, and everything in between. His touch wasn’t necessarily sexual, although the way Sam’s cock laid thick and heavy against his stomach might have argued otherwise.

"Cas," Sam pleaded.

Cas just shushed him. It wouldn’t be a night for either of them to remember if they rushed things. This couldn’t be like other times. This had to be special.

But Castiel didn’t tease. He wanted to run his lips and tongue over every dip and bump on Sam’s body, but now that he had more or less Fallen, Cas himself was feeling rather desperate himself. So he restricted himself to his favourite parts:  The moles on Sam’s face and chest, the sensitive underside of his jaw, his clavicles and the hardened buds of his nipples (Castiel lingered a little longer there than necessary). The crevices made by his abs and the just of his hips and then, only then, did he mouth at the leaking head of Sam’s cock. Sam keened, his back arching, but Cas didn’t spend much time there, moving down father, to the most private and intimate place of Sam, the place that only Castiel had been — he knew. Sam told him as much.

Sam whined and tensed at the first touch of Cas’s tongue to his hole, only to relax with a content sigh. Castiel worked him open with his mouth, until his jaw ached and then some. Sam’s vocabulary had degenerated to _Cas_ and _please_ and a number of profanities by the time Cas was done.

Castiel sat up and braced himself over Sam, leaning down to kiss his cheek. Sam took the chance to tangle his fingers as well as he could in Cas’s hair and pull him in for a better kiss, all lips and tongues and gentle suction.

They separated with a soft _smack_ that would have made them both smile in another life, both gasping for air when Sam said, “I love you. Castiel, I love you so much.”

Cas’s breath hitched, and he opened his eyes. He hadn’t realized he closed them, but now he regretted it because Sam’s eyes were wide and sad and boring into Cas’s.

“I love you too, Sam. I never thought I could possibly love anyone this much.” He laughed, a little huff of a sound that carried no humour. “You’ve proven me wrong yet again.”

Sam swallowed thickly, holding back fresh tears. “Make love to me. Please. One last time.”

“No. Not the last time. I swear, Sam, I won’t leave you down there.”

Sam squeezed his eyes shut. Castiel noticed distress when he saw it, but he didn’t get to comment on it because Sam pulled him close, one hand on the back of his neck and the other wound tight around his ribs. Their foreheads were pressed together, and although Cas couldn’t see Sam well, he didn’t ever want to move.

“Please,” Sam whispered, but it sounded like a sob. “Please, Cas, just do it.”

Their position made it a little difficult, but he couldn’t deny Sam any longer. Cas pressed into Sam slowly, refusing to hurt Sam. This had to be good, nothing but pleasurable. Sam would be suffering more than enough pain soon enough.

And this wasn’t really about the sex. It was about the connection, the intimacy, becoming as close as two humans could possibly be. If he could, Castiel would wind their souls together, so neither of them ever had to be apart again.

He dragged it on as long as he could, but Cas was only near-human. He wished it could have lasted forever, that they would never stop making love so Sam couldn’t leave him. Let the world fall apart, let it crumble painfully slowly. It wasn’t a world worth living in without Sam anyway.

But it couldn’t last forever, and Castiel was being selfish. He made sure Sam came first (always, in everything) and afterwards they lied together, tangled around each other, a Gordian knot of limbs. Castiel feared the moment they’d have to cut themselves apart, but for now, he let himself enjoy being in Sam’s company.

“Are you asleep?” Sam asked after several minutes of lying together.

“No.” Cas didn’t think either of them would be getting much sleep tonight.

“I want you to promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“Promise me you won’t try to bring me back.”

Somewhere in the deepest depths of his mind, a place that never saw the light of day, Cas had shoved the possibility that Sam might ask such a thing. But he shouldn’t have. Should have expected it, really.

When Cas didn’t answer immediately, Sam kept talking, as if he needed to explain himself. “We can’t risk letting Lucifer out again. Once the Cage is shut, it has to stay shut, no matter what. And . . . and I want you to have a life, Cas. After all this, I don’t want you to obsess over me. Get a job or go to school or settle down. I don’t care, but whatever you do, forget about me.”

The tears that brimmed his eyes earlier fell now, and Castiel would spare a moment to wonder at these emotions that were holding his heart and his throat in the same hand. He could never forget Sam. Not ever. He could promise not to let Lucifer out of the Cage once he was inside, but he couldn’t promise anything more than that. But he couldn’t swallow past the tears to voice his thoughts, so he just nodded and hoped Sam wouldn’t be mad at him for breaking a promise he never meant to make.

 


End file.
